Letters to people I encounter just not on a personal basis;
Dear cranky guy that calls my job,
Hello to you as well. Question for you - you realize that a receptionist's job is to answer the phone, not actually run the whole business, right? I mean, I would assume that someone who's CLEARLY big shot such as yourself would've have learned that part of "The Biz" by now. Anyway, I was just curious, can't stay and chat too long, because I have to go inevitably assist in making sure the five different projects that I just had thrown at me, before their due date which is in about ten minutes.
Sincerely,
Man of Infirmity
Dear guy who walks his dog on the side of the highway while I ride to work in the morning,
Seriously?!? What's the point in a man's life where he has the thought "You know, I think I'll walk the dog on the side of one of the busiest highways in the state, during RUSH HOUR, instead of one of the many, many quieter side streets that are literally DIRECTLY NEXT TO THE SAME HIGHWAY" and says "YES. This is something worth acting on." I appreciate that you made the choice to walk in the direction of facing traffic though. Better to be safe, and be able to watch the constant stream of speeding automobiles racing towards you, instead of having them surprise you from behind.
Your pal,
Man of Infirmity
Friday, July 10, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Sometimes you see things in the news that inspire you to ask but just one question;
WHY OH WHY CAN'T I BE WRITING FOR SNL'S WEEKEND UPDATE RIGHT NOW?!?!?!?
WHY OH WHY CAN'T I BE WRITING FOR SNL'S WEEKEND UPDATE RIGHT NOW?!?!?!?
There's just something about a recession (I'm guessing it's the whole "Everyone's broke as hell" part, but to refrain, I am NOT an economist) that brings on a wave of scams. But, beautifully enough, they're not even so much as GOOD scams as they are complete wackadoo crazy. Here's what was in my "Professional" e-mail inbox this morning;
We have a mystery shopping assignment in your area and we would likeyou to participate"Secret Shopper® is accepting applications for qualified individuals tobecome mystery shoppers. It's fun and rewarding, and you choose whenand where you want to shop. You are never obligated to accept anassignment. There is no charge to become a shopper and you do not needprevious experience. After you sign up, you will have access totraining materials via e-mail, fax or postal mail.
ABOUT US
Secret Shopper® is the premier mystery shopping company, servingclients across America and Canada with over 500,000 shoppers availableand ready to help businesses better serve their customers. Continualinvestment in the latest internet and communication technologiescoupled with over 16 years of know-how means working with SecretShopper® is a satisfying and rewarding experience. Secret shopping asseen on ABC NEWS, NBC NEWS, L.A.TIMES.
Stores and organizations such as The Gap, Walmart, Pizza Hut, andBanks. One amongst many others pay for Secret Shoppers to shop intheir establishments and report their experiences. On top of beingpaid for shopping you are also allowed to keep purchases for free.Secret Shopper® NEVER charge fees to the shopper. Training, tips forimprovement, and shopping opportunities are provided free toregistered shoppers. Mystery shoppers are either paid a pre-arrangedfee for a particular shop, a reimbursement for a purchase or acombination of both.Secret Shopper® has available for immediateassignment an inspection of the customer service of any walmart inyour area. You are to shop secretly and invest just a token. This feewill be paid upfront. During this shop you will visit the location andmake several observations as regards the customer service.You will be required to interact with the shop clerk.You may conduct the shop alone or as a couple.The assignment will pay $300.00 per duty.
Kindly Fill Out the application form below and we will get back to youshortly with the assignment:
PERSONAL INFORMATION:
First Name...........................................
Middle Name.............................................
Last Name............................................
Street Address.........................................
City, State, Zip Code............................................
Cell Phone Number .............................................
Home Phone Number .............................................
Age....................................................................
Current Occupation.................................................
Alternate Email Address ..............................................
AVAILABILITY:Days/Hours Available
Monday ..X............................................
Tuesday ..X...........................................
Wednesday X.............................................
Thursday .X.............................................
Friday ...X..........................................
Saturday .X............................................
Sunday ............................................
Hours Available: from _ ______ to _____We await your urgent response.
Thank you for your help.We look forward to working with you.
Sincerely,
Frank Ladbroke
Secret Shopper®
I mean, I'm pretty sure they'd get a better response even if they blatently wrote "WE WANT YOUR PERSONAL INFORMATION". Then again, I AM tempted to write them back with dumb questions just to see what kind of response I'd get, so maybe they DO have a good thing going.
We have a mystery shopping assignment in your area and we would likeyou to participate"Secret Shopper® is accepting applications for qualified individuals tobecome mystery shoppers. It's fun and rewarding, and you choose whenand where you want to shop. You are never obligated to accept anassignment. There is no charge to become a shopper and you do not needprevious experience. After you sign up, you will have access totraining materials via e-mail, fax or postal mail.
ABOUT US
Secret Shopper® is the premier mystery shopping company, servingclients across America and Canada with over 500,000 shoppers availableand ready to help businesses better serve their customers. Continualinvestment in the latest internet and communication technologiescoupled with over 16 years of know-how means working with SecretShopper® is a satisfying and rewarding experience. Secret shopping asseen on ABC NEWS, NBC NEWS, L.A.TIMES.
Stores and organizations such as The Gap, Walmart, Pizza Hut, andBanks. One amongst many others pay for Secret Shoppers to shop intheir establishments and report their experiences. On top of beingpaid for shopping you are also allowed to keep purchases for free.Secret Shopper® NEVER charge fees to the shopper. Training, tips forimprovement, and shopping opportunities are provided free toregistered shoppers. Mystery shoppers are either paid a pre-arrangedfee for a particular shop, a reimbursement for a purchase or acombination of both.Secret Shopper® has available for immediateassignment an inspection of the customer service of any walmart inyour area. You are to shop secretly and invest just a token. This feewill be paid upfront. During this shop you will visit the location andmake several observations as regards the customer service.You will be required to interact with the shop clerk.You may conduct the shop alone or as a couple.The assignment will pay $300.00 per duty.
Kindly Fill Out the application form below and we will get back to youshortly with the assignment:
PERSONAL INFORMATION:
First Name...........................................
Middle Name.............................................
Last Name............................................
Street Address.........................................
City, State, Zip Code............................................
Cell Phone Number .............................................
Home Phone Number .............................................
Age....................................................................
Current Occupation.................................................
Alternate Email Address ..............................................
AVAILABILITY:Days/Hours Available
Monday ..X............................................
Tuesday ..X...........................................
Wednesday X.............................................
Thursday .X.............................................
Friday ...X..........................................
Saturday .X............................................
Sunday ............................................
Hours Available: from _ ______ to _____We await your urgent response.
Thank you for your help.We look forward to working with you.
Sincerely,
Frank Ladbroke
Secret Shopper®
I mean, I'm pretty sure they'd get a better response even if they blatently wrote "WE WANT YOUR PERSONAL INFORMATION". Then again, I AM tempted to write them back with dumb questions just to see what kind of response I'd get, so maybe they DO have a good thing going.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
I also thought about doing a Twitter of weird/stupid/amusing to me job moments, but then I realized "Well, I won't really be here for more than a month, tops", so I decided against it. But, this is literally something that just happend;
Suit (You know, like a guy in a suit - this way I sound like I hate corporate types more) walks in to the office.
"Hi, I'm one of the building managers. I wanted to let you know we're offering special deals on phone service to tenants," and hands me a piece of paper. "Do you know who I would talk to for that?"
I offer him the corporate headquarter number, saying they would be in charge, adding that they're based out in Colorado."
"Ok, thanks," he says, getting ready to leave. "Oh, do you know where the bathroom is? Or if it needs a key?"
That amused me.
Suit (You know, like a guy in a suit - this way I sound like I hate corporate types more) walks in to the office.
"Hi, I'm one of the building managers. I wanted to let you know we're offering special deals on phone service to tenants," and hands me a piece of paper. "Do you know who I would talk to for that?"
I offer him the corporate headquarter number, saying they would be in charge, adding that they're based out in Colorado."
"Ok, thanks," he says, getting ready to leave. "Oh, do you know where the bathroom is? Or if it needs a key?"
That amused me.
A reason I'm kind of crazy (which, is somewhat timely, as I'm again in the middle of a fruitless job search):
The Monday after I graduated college I came home to a voice mail from a fairly local company saying they had a job opening, and a mutual friend recommended that they contact me about it. This was a pleasant surprise, so I called back the next morning (I got the message well after the business day was over), and the phone call went like this:
"Hello, this is The Company! How may I help you?"
"Hi, my name is Man of Infirmity, I'm calling back about your message."
"Oh, great! Yes, Megan referred us to you. She said you were looking for something in a creative, promotional kind of position?"
"Wow, yes, actually, that sounds perfect!"
"Well this job actually has nothing to do with that, so you're probably not interested."
"Oh, well, I mean, I'd still be interested in hearing more about it..."
"No, that's quite alright. Thanks for your call!"
Click.
This is a reason I'm kind of crazy.
The Monday after I graduated college I came home to a voice mail from a fairly local company saying they had a job opening, and a mutual friend recommended that they contact me about it. This was a pleasant surprise, so I called back the next morning (I got the message well after the business day was over), and the phone call went like this:
"Hello, this is The Company! How may I help you?"
"Hi, my name is Man of Infirmity, I'm calling back about your message."
"Oh, great! Yes, Megan referred us to you. She said you were looking for something in a creative, promotional kind of position?"
"Wow, yes, actually, that sounds perfect!"
"Well this job actually has nothing to do with that, so you're probably not interested."
"Oh, well, I mean, I'd still be interested in hearing more about it..."
"No, that's quite alright. Thanks for your call!"
Click.
This is a reason I'm kind of crazy.
Monday, July 6, 2009
I've been trying to think of some sort of new Twitter/general scheme idea. AND, I'm also seeing all the "Broke/'Keepin' it real' PUNX" make at least minor careers out of not really doing anything but being stereotypical/Repo Man punks - so, since I think I'm KIND of crazy and want to cash in on it (but, am ultimately too lazy to write the full on fake memoir I want to), I decided I'm going to combine the two ideas with a series I think I will call "Reasons I'm now kind of crazy":
1) One day in high school, I started having a pretty bad eye pain, that was completely unexplainable. It was bad enough that I couldn't really concentrate or focus in class, but upon every mention of it, I was told that I was acting like a baby, including one teacher who was insistant that "I was making a big deal out of a piece of dust", and proceeded to blow air in my face, to get the said piece of dust out. After about a week, my Mom finally took me to an eye doctor, who upon examining, found that I had a piece of plastic lodged in my eye, which he removed.
THIS IS A REASON I'M NOW KIND OF CRAZY.
1) One day in high school, I started having a pretty bad eye pain, that was completely unexplainable. It was bad enough that I couldn't really concentrate or focus in class, but upon every mention of it, I was told that I was acting like a baby, including one teacher who was insistant that "I was making a big deal out of a piece of dust", and proceeded to blow air in my face, to get the said piece of dust out. After about a week, my Mom finally took me to an eye doctor, who upon examining, found that I had a piece of plastic lodged in my eye, which he removed.
THIS IS A REASON I'M NOW KIND OF CRAZY.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
So here's what's been going on;
Spent a pretty great weekend in Baltimore, which I would've written about had I not come directly home to some pretty big family emergencies (which, have been taken care of for now, but they're both result of a larger issue that's been going on for a pretty long time, and I imagine will keep going on for a while as well). So, the timing was pretty perfect to say "Music Fast!"
The first time I ever went on a "music fast" was probably midway through college, after playing a show that went not-overly-well to say the least (It involved a Black Flag cover set where I was the only one who actually knew the songs - but we were forcibly stopped after the second song in the set anyway, after a garbage fight broke out and an administrator was hit in the head with an empty detergent bottle - in retrospect, that part was kind of awesome). I was fairly discouraged, and assumed "I will never actually be in a 'real' band, so I am giving all of this up."
(Of course, the irony being that after college I joined a band which has, during one of it's better shows, thrown a case of newspapers around the club, as well as bags of sugar, not to mention that we have such a reputation for such antics that I was personally threatened by one of the promoters at our last show)
Obviously, that music fast was relatively short lived, but I also didn't have quite as full of a plate back then. In addition to the family issues, I've got my own personal issues to deal with, AND I brilliantly decided that this was a perfect time to take a new, "Master Level" writing class, which goes on for the next two months and concludes with putting on a full, live sketch show. Basically I said to myself, "So, you don't REALLY want to relax at all for a while, right?", and I responded (to myself) "HECK NO!"
So, yes, I imagine I will likely be on edge, moreso than usual, for the duration of the summer (MAYBE calming down afterwards, but I doubt it). I will go on some more about the class later, but in the meantime I am actually going to go over my work for this week (by which I mean generally worry about the quality of).
ALSO - newly added to the "Things I've written" sidebar - an "Unreleased" interview with The Used Kids. (And also, while they tried to give me a hard time saying I mis-transcribed one of their quotes, let the record show that's the reason I say "Here's the rough version of our interview, band! Let me know if there's anything to be changed!")
Spent a pretty great weekend in Baltimore, which I would've written about had I not come directly home to some pretty big family emergencies (which, have been taken care of for now, but they're both result of a larger issue that's been going on for a pretty long time, and I imagine will keep going on for a while as well). So, the timing was pretty perfect to say "Music Fast!"
The first time I ever went on a "music fast" was probably midway through college, after playing a show that went not-overly-well to say the least (It involved a Black Flag cover set where I was the only one who actually knew the songs - but we were forcibly stopped after the second song in the set anyway, after a garbage fight broke out and an administrator was hit in the head with an empty detergent bottle - in retrospect, that part was kind of awesome). I was fairly discouraged, and assumed "I will never actually be in a 'real' band, so I am giving all of this up."
(Of course, the irony being that after college I joined a band which has, during one of it's better shows, thrown a case of newspapers around the club, as well as bags of sugar, not to mention that we have such a reputation for such antics that I was personally threatened by one of the promoters at our last show)
Obviously, that music fast was relatively short lived, but I also didn't have quite as full of a plate back then. In addition to the family issues, I've got my own personal issues to deal with, AND I brilliantly decided that this was a perfect time to take a new, "Master Level" writing class, which goes on for the next two months and concludes with putting on a full, live sketch show. Basically I said to myself, "So, you don't REALLY want to relax at all for a while, right?", and I responded (to myself) "HECK NO!"
So, yes, I imagine I will likely be on edge, moreso than usual, for the duration of the summer (MAYBE calming down afterwards, but I doubt it). I will go on some more about the class later, but in the meantime I am actually going to go over my work for this week (by which I mean generally worry about the quality of).
ALSO - newly added to the "Things I've written" sidebar - an "Unreleased" interview with The Used Kids. (And also, while they tried to give me a hard time saying I mis-transcribed one of their quotes, let the record show that's the reason I say "Here's the rough version of our interview, band! Let me know if there's anything to be changed!")
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